Reflection

As I sit with my back against a long, the wilderness behind me and the waters edge reaching the tips of my feet, two quotes come to mind:

1.) "Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction."

2.) "By facing our challenges we discover our potential."

My life has gotten complicated to the point where death seems to be a re-occuring theme. I guess when I first started out (up until now), that was the major thing I was blind to. When I first took Promicin, the thought of death never really occured to me. I did know the risks but on some subconscious level, I was still blinded by the 50/50 odds. The reason I though I would never have the Angel of Death knocking on my door was because of the fact that my father was a 4400- I always thought that made me safe somehow. I know now that that is not true.

Now the people I know are dropping like flies. I was a loner in high school with the exception of five best friends, a cousin and her boyfriend. Of those seven- seven took Promicin and only one survived. 1 out of 7- very terrible odds.

The one thing I have learned on this retreat is that I am not going to let their deaths become meaningless. I brought candles and held a vigil for the six of them- letting the candles float on lily pads in the water.

I may not like the fact that the people I love and care for are passing away but it's like a friend once said: "We fight the pain in the present for the hope of a better future."

This is the burden we have been given. We can either hide forever in a cave with no light shinning through (which is pretty much what I've been doing on this camping retreat) or we can take the big risks and do our part to save humanity.

Before taking Promicin I had avoided any and all kinds of risks. As much as I would like to go back to my old world where everything much safer and much simpler- to a time where camping was my constant, I know now that I can't. And that in and of itself is a painful thing to accept.

Jordan Collier said it perfectly in 4 Matter-of-Fact Statements:

1.) The time for sitting on the fence is over. The time for greatness is now.

2.) Each of you has a role to play. Your only choice is whether you accept it or have it thrust upon you.

*3*.) I know it's tempting to think we can hold onto the past to everything that's safe and easy but we cannot.

4.) We are now seperated from our old lives by a gulf that can never again be reached.

So what do I do? Do I wait for my destiny to be thrust upon me or do I let go of all the fears that BearClaw pointed out and just surrender to this new world?

Do I keep holding onto the past and keep taking the camping trips to where everything is okay whenever I retreat despite the world being in turmoil or do I move forward with the difficult part of leaving my past behind?

I now know one thing: I will not hold onto the past. I have a tendency of thinking too much on the past and thinking of all of the 'what could have been's' only then to make myself miserable because life is not how I would like it to be. If I am going to be miserable then I don't want it to be because of things that have long sinced happened. That certainly is no way of living.

I must accept life as it is now and I must take responsibility for this life instead of hidding away while the rest of the world moves on. Running away might be my kind of utopia but unfortunately the world is not ready for a utopia yet. We must fix the world before any one of us is to be in a safe place. If we all cower and run away what kind of world is that? And what kind of example would we be setting- not a very good one.

The things I will hang onto are the things forever set in my heart: my family. They will come with me wherever I go no matter how dangerous it may be or no matter how scared I might get. I'm 18, I didn't ask for any of this. I should be in college right now, not trying to do my part in saving humanity. Had my family not died, then that's what would have happened but unfortunately the stakes were turned on me when someone thought the world was better off without them. I don't know what my role is in all of this but I am sure going to try to do what I can.

So once again to quote Jordan Collier:

"We move forward, always forward and into whats next.

We make a choice, we act on that choice."

And all that's left is to live in hope."